The challenge of new, unexpected plans.
Precious Pearls
Finding beauty in trials!
“Mommy, why don’t you do triathlons?”
One of my sons asked me this question during the summer of 2015. It was the second summer my boys held a steady race schedule by averaging two races a month. Each week we tried to spend 1-2 days training. My sister graciously allowed us to use her pool and neighborhood for training.
I swam with the boys.
I biked with the boys.
I ran with the boys.
My husband joined the conversation lending his encouragement as well.
“I’m a lousy swimmer, and I can’t compete in kids’ races. The swim distance for adult races is too far for me.”
That set my husband searching. He found a triathlon that had an adult race with short distances. I knew I wouldn’t be ready by September 2015, but I set my eyes on 2016.
I began my own training. Through November of 2015, I headed to the rail trail after dropping my boys off at school. I biked, ran, then biked back to my car. Testing and stretching my endurance grew into something I loved. During the summer of 2016, my swim training began at my sister’s pool. My boys swam beside me trying to create an open water feel; I biked; I ran. My love for this was growing the more I trained. Some of my best memories from that summer were the trail runs my oldest son and I would do together.
My eyes were set for the race. I was so excited to compete in a race with my boys, but my youngest son was too young to compete.
Finally race day was upon me!
I was still lousy on the swim. I think I came in dead last, but my boys were at the swim-out chute ready to give me high fives. Once I was out of the water, I felt stronger and ready for speed on the bike and run courses.
As I approached the finish line, I heard my name announced as a finisher. Everything about this (even my lousy swim) felt incredible!
I was hooked, and I wanted more! But I really wanted more biking and running.
That race closed our 2016 racing season.
While researching races for the 2017 season, I discovered duathlons (run, bike, run). I was excited to learn that I could race and avoid the swim. My plan was in place to compete in 8 duathlons throughout the summer of 2017.
The prospect of all my boys and I racing together propelled our enthusiasm.
My dreams, goals, and anticipation crumbled on May 27, 2017.
For the next four days, I battled pain. Taking Oxycodone every 4 hours wasn’t enough. At times I took it at 3.5 hour intervals desperately seeking relief from the pain. During these intervals, I could only sleep about an hour. Gut-wrenching pain and lack of sleep prevented my brain from functioning properly.
Upon entering my surgeon’s office at Massachusetts General Hospital, I was handed a clipboard with several papers that needed to be completed. I have no memory of what was on those papers, but I remember staring at the question asking what activities I participated in. This didn’t require thought. Biking, running, swimming, kayaking, hiking, camping, cooking.
After introducing himself, my surgeon sat down and reviewed the X-rays taken earlier that day at Mass General. I could see the reflection of his face on the computer screen; his expression puzzled me. His head shook slightly while his shoulders dropped. He picked up my paperwork, straightened his posture, turned around, and took a deep breath.
“This is a life-altering injury. You will never run again.”
Those words and his voice ring in my ears and haunt my mind.
How could this be? I have plans to run and plans to race.
My plans for the summer of 2017 and my racing endeavors dissolved May 31, 2017.
In the time since then, I have experienced a variety of emotions- anger, frustration, sadness, irritation, bitterness, and depression.
While navigating the physical healing process, I felt incapable of battling the negativity these emotions generated. I didn’t want them to control me. I knew I needed to shift my focus to God. Although this was a horrible situation, I had to accept that my plans were not His plans.
This was not an easy process. I began by reminding myself that I am a creation of the Master of this universe. Isaiah 43:7 was written for the nation of Israel, but God’s character applies to us today.
Everyone who is called by My name,
Whom I have created for My glory;
I have formed him, yes, I have made him.
The next step consisted of a closer evaluation of Christ’s death on the cross for my sins and His resurrection three days later. The God of the universe crossed the threshold between Heaven and Earth to sacrifice His life enabling me to have salvation and eternity in Heaven with Him. His love for me richly abounds. Romans 5: 1-8 illustrates this for us.
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die.
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
I Corinthians 6:20 reminds me I am bought with a price, and I must choose to joyfully live my life for God’s honor and glory.
For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
These humbling thoughts help me let go of my plans and cling to His plans.
At the time of this writing, six years have elapsed since my life-altering injury. I wish I could say I never feel disappointed about what happened. However, God faithfully keeps Himself at the forefront of my mind and redirects my thoughts when needed. The day I began writing this, I started my Monday on my elliptical trainer. It was like any other day, but my heart, energy, and pace felt strong. Although I am slow due to the limited function of my left foot and ankle, I was faster than my usual pace. Whenever this happens, I think, “I wonder how fast I would be if I could actually run and race.” My mind drifts into a daydream of racing that I will never experience. As usual, God in His goodness brought up in my exercise play list the song “I’m Letting Go” by Francesca Battistelli. This song reminded me to keep my focus on Him. While listening to the song, the words depicted my own experience of learning to let go of my own plans. Releasing the grip of my plans and embracing God’s plans is what is best for my life.
“This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I am losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go”
During the past couple months, my husband and I can clearly see why six years ago the Lord shifted my life in a direction we weren’t expecting. God has brought a variety of people into our lives that we would not have met if the accident hadn’t happened. We have been able to share God’s wondrous works with these people. God created a different perspective in our lives that enables us to encourage others in a variety of ways. We have found joy in serving and ministering to people who are experiencing trials.
Although I never would have chosen this plan, I peacefully accept God’s plan and delight in pointing others to Him.
If you or someone you know is experiencing disappointment, please be encouraged in knowing that God has an unique plan for your life. It may not be what you anticipated, but accepting where He has you will bring you an indescribable joy and peace for the journey ahead.
One response to “When Plans Change”
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Thank you for sharing Erin. What a beautiful testimony.
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